Sunday, December 16, 2012

स्त्रीलिंग Facebook!!!

As a single guy I have a lot of time to spend online especially on Facebook. It is a magical site where you can spy on everyone’s life and make sure you know every aspect of him or her.

Sometimes I imagine that I will find the perfect girl online and we will have a perfect relationship and fall in perfect love. However every single time I log onto Facebook, I see the same bunch of women who make my perfect dream disappear. As a gift to my fellow single men, I present to you a guide on the types of women you will encounter on Facebook.

The Disney

This woman will have absolutely no photos of herself. All her photos will be of Disney princesses or random actors. She may put up an Edward Cullen photo and you realize that she is the spawn of Satan. There will be no photos of her. Most of her albums consist of photos of friends or random photos in which 45 million people have been tagged. You will never see her face. If you chat up with her she will speak with you but behind this shrouded veil that other humans refer to as a photo of Selena Gomez. You really wish she puts up more photos so you can catch a glimpse of her but it seems like her face does not exist at all. No matter how hard you try you will never ever see how she looks in real life, but the mere fact that she likes Selena Gomez gives you enough reason to at least purchase a few Cyanide capsules before you meet her.

The Hipster

The Hipster will only use Instagram and put up random photos of dead animals or quotes from authors who you’re pretty sure don’t exist. She will reblog posts and share images that are as abstract and fake as her.

Most of her photos will have her roaming around in random nature based surroundings. Every photo will have been methodically edited and will also come along with an accompanying lyric tag from a band nobody has ever heard of it. In fact most of the times the band will be formed after the lyrics have been read. She will post quotes and philosophy. Kafka, Nietzsche, Freud, she knows them all but the moment you ask her about common things like Hindi music or terrible movies, she will change the subject to more ‘intellectual things’.

The Hot One

OMG. She is so hot. There is no way she will ever be with you. Never. She is way out of your league. She makes your league look like the Sri Lankan Premier League. There is only one thing that you can do… Right Click and Save Image for later use.

The Pretty One

The pretty one will have some of the most beautiful profile photos. Photos that make you stare and fall in love. Everything is perfect except her grammar. Every photo has a terribly spelled caption which ends in a heart (<3) . Half of the times she manages to spell that wrong also.

She will spell great as gr8 and nice as nyc. She will refuse to spell any word correctly or even show some inclination to read the dictionary. Even a decomposing pigeon will type out a better sentence then her. Now you have to make a decision. Does your penis like her or does your brain like her?

The Hogger

The Hogger will take as many photos as she can to prove to the world that she exists. She will take 45 million photos in 1 second and upload them all simultaneously. She will constantly update her Facebook status telling people about how she is eating food and how she is crapping it minutes later. She will then takes photos of her posing near her poop and upload them to an album called ‘Summer Poop ’. She will post every 10 seconds on your wall making you believe that she has no friends or family. As much as you ignore her, you cannot ignore her digital presence. She will like your every photo and share your ever post. She will be the sole reason for deactivating your profile.

The Limited Recluse

She will never come online. She will have only 3 photos that have been uploaded, out of which 2 have been put up by her friends and one by an application that she accidently accessed. She will not post on your wall or reply to any posts. She will not update her status. She will have somewhat of a limited profile and refuse to be friends with anyone. Technically speaking her profile is in a vegetative state. Sooner or later, the good folks at Facebook will euthanize it.

The Ugly One

She is ugly as hell. Heck even Hell is prettier and hotter than her. Yet she is always hanging around pretty women and hence you have her as a friend with the secret hope in mind that one day when you comment, one of her pretty friends will find you humorous and add you as a friend.

The Perfect One

The perfect one will be the one you desire. She will be pretty, smart and she's your best friend. She will talk to you whenever you want. Never disappoint you with her replies and will be the perfect one for you. She is the girl of your dreams and is the perfect person to talk to whenever you’re bored. However each one of them comes with an extra appendage called a boyfriend. Secretly you wait for her to break up with him but you know it will never happen. You however go on with the rest of the crowd liking her photos hoping she sees the love in the multiple likes that you give her posts and comments. She never does.

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Random At 4AM

Mumbai 'not just a metropolitan' city.. Its Moree... You see variety of specimen starting their stories early morning.. For some, its starts at late night already

Mumbai is a strange village. Sweating goes hand in hand with breathing. Its either Hot, Hotter or Hottest in this part of the Planet. So in a way, its always hot, its just the degree you need to measure for.

For the record, about 70% of Mumbai’s population lives in slum and the remaining 30% complain about harsh living conditions. Interestingly, poverty adds to the equation. It is like the most glaring cosmopolitan feature but somehow gets camouflaged by people’s never-say-die attitude..

Its 3 Paragraphs already.. Thats it. I have nothing more to speak of Mumbai, More than what pops up in my insomniaced disturbed mind at 3AM, that is wondering why isn't it cold already. Its December, For Gods Sake.

Half my blogs are about Mumbai.. It makes feel like Hank Moody, who blogs about California.
The only 2 differences being, Hank Moody is paid.. Me? Nada.
AND Hank Moody is fictional from Californiction.
Im Real... Like a Real Number.

Neway, This Post... aint about Mumbai though..
This post is merely an attempt to get rid of the sleep deprived insect in me.. and get me some sleep.. So its basically going to be a One Sided Conversation.

I'v been watching a lot of Sitcoms off late, during my exam preparation leave..

Cliche.. i know.

Does that make me a Loner??, because that would break the whole Socially Extrovert image of mine, that I wish to have for myself, just because i wish to fit in the society.
The Society comprising of, Cripples, Bastards, and other broken things. The Society i.e. Mumbai..

Maybe its all just a Camouflage, A Cover, A Lotta Shades above the Human Skin and Soul.. That I 'Think' completes me.
For Instance, if I were to classify my Shades... There would be many..
1) Obedient Son to my Father
2) Family Guy
3) Intellectual
4) Sir Knowsalot
5) Goody-two-Shoes
6) Charmer
7) Raconteurist
8) Metrosexual
9) RetroSexual

Exclude all 10 Shades,
Im Alan Harper, without the Unintended Humour..

So IF ONLY.. By putting up these layers of Pretence, Im best suited for THE SOCIETY..! I do not see a problem with that then..

NOW!! Accepting it on one hand, is Fine. It gives me Closure..

But questioning myself, for everyting thats ' + ' bout me, Something that till date, I thought were my 'Traits'. The Benefit of Doubt towards Self, is beyond Appaling, Despicable, Reprehensible and Mundane

So Im just gonna follow a common drill that calls for default solution when a conundrum like this, smacks you left and right.
When You dont wish to get rid of anything, You need to convince yourself that its presence is necessary..
I believe that all 10 shades are the reason why everyone glows around me. The reason why everyone feels secure and warm around me.. The reason why the daisies bossom, The reason why the skies are clear, The reason why the winters near. The reasom why the moon is up so high.. Like a Diamond in the sky.

P.S. - Reality Check can get Ugly.

Gunnite Folks..! Sleepwell