Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Digi Ramayan


Ram - Calm, composed guy. Teetotaler(Except when he tasted Vodka once out of peer pressure). One woman man.

Laxman - Hyper enthu guy. Too much respect for his brother. Wannabe hip-hop guy. His Facebook account reads his first name as “Laky” and last name as “Back with a bang”. However “Back with a bang” is definitely not his father’s name.

—————Forest cottage in Ayodhya , evening time

A livid Ram walks about the corridor of his forest cottage.

Ram: Man, How did this even happen? You said you had installed a firewall. What happened, did some windows update screw up something?

Laky : I’m not sure. Let me check the log. Well, she seems to have clicked some kind of malicious link.

Ram: What kind of link?

Laky : 3D deer screensavers. The firewall got broken and the door got opened. Somebody must have abducted her then.

Ram: 3d deer…I mean, how old is she, 8? Who clicks on spam these days?

Laky: Hey, thats the bhabhi you are talking about. Keep it chill bro.

Ram: Any leads on who could have done this?

Laky : I’m not sure bro.

Ram keeps thinking and walking about. He sits back and looks at his MAC running AyodhyaOS. He browses through Sita’s Facebook profile. Somebody had recently tagged her on their Friendship calendar. She had also liked a page “I hate those who don’t hate the I hate Ram” page.

No significant progress seemed to happen as hours seemed to progress. Laky was reinstalling windows on his other laptop as there was an issue with the boot sector. Suddenly the beep of an SMS emanated from Ram’s blackberry. It was from ICICAyodhya bank. It read “A credit card purchase of 24,276 has been made from your card. Offer, now housing loan limit increased for salary account holders”.

Ram: Hey, Looks like my credit card is with Sita and there has been a transaction made.

Laky : Let me check the statement. Hold on. It says the debit was made from Lanka jewelers.

Ram: where is that? Must be at Ranganathan street.

Laky : No. Its in Sri Lanka actually.

Ram: Oh. Must be the notorious Raavan who abducted her. Google Raavan right-away.

Laky: Yes.

*Lakshman googles Raavan

Laky: This is his twitter profile.


Sri LankaRuler|Veena player|Veda reader|Blogger|DSLR Photographer|Private jet owner|I steal hearts and other people’s wives


@juniorbachchan Daiiiiiiiiiiiii.

Load more tweets…


Ram: Hmmm. This must be the guy. The unscrupulous rat. Let’s kick-off some action from our end. Where is the monkey? Why don’t we send the monkey across to Lanka for negotation?

Laky: hey bro. That’s racist.

Ram: What’s racist?

Laky: Calling anybody a monkey is racist. I have seen it bro. They might ban you for like 4 test matches bro. (makes weird hand gesture showing the number 4)

Ram: That is racist?

Laky: Totally bro. Yeah. You can’t call anybody a donkey too. Thats racist too.

Ram: Can I call a donkey a donkey?

Laky: No no. That’s racist too.

Ram: Anyway, let us head-off to Lanka. Quick. Get the travel arrangements done.

Laky: How about we go down the road to the southern tip and construct a bridge from there? Huh, wont that be cool? Like an awesome roadtrip.

Ram(in a growling tone) : What is wrong with you? Just go to makemytrip.

Laky: Yeah. sure sure. Calm down(mumbles “Nobody wants to do the cool stuff”)

Ram: By the way, have you seen my adidas sneakers?

Laky: Yeah. forgot to tell you about that. Bharath wanted it as a souvenir in remembrance of you. But I just guess he was just stingy to buy his own gym shoes.

****At the International terminal

Laky: I wonder what his full name is. Must be something like UDRS.Raavan or DPDMP.Raavan.

Ram(gestures Laky to stop talking): I see something.

At a distance Ram sees a ten headed man wearing ten caps of the cricket teams walking down the terminal. Ram goes delirious with excitement. Laky stands up frantically. Both Ram and Laxman run towards the ten headed man.

Raavan: Before you hit me or something, I am really sorry. You don’t want to trouble a bankrupt man further.

Ram(in a threatening Hollywood hero tone, fists clenched) : What do you mean? Where is my wife?

Raavan: I mean your wife just drove me crazy man. I gave her my credit card and she just blew it up. She purchased so much jewellery that the card statement is the size of a 9 yards silk saree. Now I am so screwed and bankrupt.

Ram does not respond. He just stands calm, fists clenched.

Raavan: I mean my palace is still on EMI man. And I’m just a king. No onsite and stuff for me. I have already gone through so much in life. People have been making fun of my ten heads for long. Kids used to call me base 10 in college. Do you know how much I spend on shampoo and hair-dye? Insane man. And I get ripped off with flight tickets with their ‘per head cost’ rule. Abducting your wife was a mistake. Please forget and forgive this as if it were a bad windows bug where you click ‘dont send error report’. Your wife is waiting in the visitors room. Now if you will excuse me, I will depart.

Ram pats Raavan on his shoulder. Raavan shakes hand with Ram. Laky does a rap star like hi-five with Ram and Raavan walks off from the place.

---The End---

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Black And White.

There is no point in teaching darkness a lesson or two in racism. It won't understand.
In any case, almost every little thing under the sun has a grey shade, UNLESS you are in Antartica. Moreover, only penguins have the right to see things in black and white. That's also why they choose not to fly and play chess all day. No kidding.

But what's currently going on in Assam as well as Myanmar tells us that we are NOT living in a colorful age. Those on social media might beg to differ thanks to their over-dependence on Photoshop but lame jokes apart, racism is a grievous human shortcoming. Taking into account the way our stupidity appears now, our species may never rise above this narrow mindset.
Of course, there are moments when we get hope. For instance, when Usain Bolt stretches mankind's limits on the track and is loved by everyone, irrespective of their skin tone. No wonder he is the greatest racist of all time. Errrrr, I mean he wins race and all? OK, chuck it. On a serious note, how about Mario Balotelli hugging his foster Italian mother after winning the match? And there are many more examples—especially from the world of football because UEFA may have discarded the B&W patched footballs but Europeans are still mired in racism—where tears jerk and colors turn into celebration. Wish I was talking about Holi here but I'm not!
Iam a football loving adult, Even as a child, i was never a cricket-loving kid, But I was ignorant as well as racist (lethal combination), whenever my dad would watch cricket matches, as I felt all black people lived in a faraway nation called West Indies. But to compensate this notion, I used to discriminate against red ants and adored black ones. My Mom played a small but significant role in developing this psyche. She told me that black ants are good omen. I guess that's why I keep seeing these tiny creatures today even when they are not around.
Being from a country which literally gave birth to racism, I don't know what is politically correct. Because a majority of my country(wo)men wish to be fair. What they don't acknowledge is the fact that despite all their lightening products, they'll still be black folks with brown skin and whiter-than-Anushka Sharma's armpit. This is also the reason why irony dies a painful death when Indians accuse others of racism. But let's get real for a minute. Humankind is inherently racist. A few words, said or unsaid, won't change that.
On a more serious note, black isn’t the color of hopelessness. Hopelessness is too hopeless to have a color of its own, Nor is the term 'blackmail' Black.. it isn't. Fortuitously, unlike racism, racial jokes are always colorful.